From Bondage to Freedom

Hi, my name is Jeremiah Lewis, and God has called me to share my testimony with the world. I want to share my story from bondage to freedom.

I also want to bind any fear, shame, secrecy, and any hesitations. I just loose truth, I loose freedom, I loose the glory of God in the spiritual authority that God has given me to deliver this testimony. In the name of Jesus. Amen.

I'm going to start by talking about the foundation — my childhood and the environments that created certain behaviors in my life. These were certain roots that God had showed me as I grew closer to him. I want to show you all the roots.

I grew up in a system of control and silence. Many people will know — a common thing that I would hear was, “Oh, your kids are so well-behaved. You are such good kids.” And truthfully, we had to be. I've been dealing with perfectionism, but I lived in an environment where you couldn't make a mistake, where any slight imperfection, any slight mistake was going to be punishable.

Because I saw things, and I knew God had wired me differently. I saw truth. I saw inefficiencies as fast as my mind was processing. God allowed me to see — I kept asking questions, I kept wanting to dig deeper: Why? Why is this like this? Why are we getting treated like this? Why am I getting punished for this? And I couldn't explain myself.

The system that I lived in was pretty much built on silence. I couldn't question anything. I couldn't speak up for myself. Systems built on authority — that’s just what it is. So I had to carry all of my analysis, that constant being on edge. I had to carry it all myself. I couldn’t voice it. I couldn't do anything about it but just maintain perfection.

Of course, this type of weight turns inward on you. I remember one of the first things that I can state is that I had a massive anger problem. I had energy that couldn’t go anywhere, I had trauma that couldn’t go anywhere. I developed perfectionism. This applied to everything that I did. I was scared to put myself out there because I was scared of not being enough.

In the middle of that journey, I had also developed a self-pleasure addiction. I remember seeing a browser tab left open, and I just remember that was it. From there, the seed had been planted for one of the worst addictions I've ever had. I've had that for like 18 years now. I'll talk about that more a little bit later.

Along with that came the spirit of lust. In that development, I went from being heterosexual to now being confused. I started to develop same-sex attraction. I started to put myself in the identity as bisexual, which I no longer identify with, but I'll talk about that later in my testimony as something that God has delivered me from.

These are all the things where that type of trauma builds up and started to affect me internally and started to create the conditions for bondage that I had to be freed from. I was put into a really impossible scenario where I couldn't speak up, I couldn't really express myself — I saw things, but all I had to do was just be perfect.

I learned to get my validation through creation and through being perfect, being excellent, and that didn't serve me. Because even with those behaviors, I was looking for validation in lust, in other places, because I had nowhere to go. I wasn't getting that masculine validation that I needed.

This system continued on for years, and I want to talk about September 21st, 2024.

This was the most pivotal moment of my entire life. This is when the system of silence and truth had collided. We've had several eruptions in the years prior, but this was definitely the most significant.

That was the day we were celebrating my mom's birthday, and we had a dinner. In that moment, my mother and my father had a disagreement in terms of some family stuff that I was aware of, and I decided to speak up for my mom because my father had told her to shut up. I was like, “Hey, she just had her birthday. There's no reason to talk to her like that on her birthday.”

Me deciding to not be silent and to stand up led to a massive eruption of rage to where now it was like, “Okay, this MF needs to get out of my house. I'm sick and tired of you.” When I tell you, in that moment, I just remember everything is a blur. Everything was happening so fast.

I just remember him walking so intently into the house. I was like, “Nobody walks that purposefully in the house to calm down.” I remember just perceiving the danger — I'm hyper aware, I scan for threats, I already know what's up. My mom is trying to hold me back and I literally rip my shirt to go — like, okay, this is bad.

Nonetheless, I was right. I walk into the house and he's reaching for the biggest knife that we have in our kitchen. Next thing you know, he turns around with it and we're just in a scuffle, which that itself is a blur. We're all tussling around the kitchen and — trigger warning — there was blood on the floor.

In that moment, I didn't know what was happening. I just knew that a knife was present. I was fighting for my life. I also was confused because no matter what I experienced, no matter what abuse, no matter how I was treated, I never did let go of family. I always held love and always honored my parents.

I couldn't comprehend: “Am I truly fighting my father for my own life right now?” And the answer was yes.

In that moment is when I heard the voice of God in the clearest way I ever have. I heard His voice say, “You are not supposed to go out like this. You're not supposed to go out like this.”

The moment calmed down, I ran out the house to call 911, because again, there was blood on the floor. I'm not even knowing if I'm hurt. I'm just like, “Somebody's hurt.” I just remember I was hyperventilating, I had asthma, I couldn't breathe, my heart rate was clocked over at 185 beats per minute. I remember just looking at my fingers and seeing my fingers turn blue because my heart couldn't circulate the oxygen fast enough on top of my asthma and just the extreme nature of the situation. I couldn't calm down.

But I just knew in that moment, after everything had subsided, that God was preserving me. It was for a reason, because that was my first ever brush up against death. And it was caused by my father. Mentally it's really hard to reconcile those two things in your head.

This led me to a period of time following where I don't even know if I thought I was living in reality. I couldn't comprehend what was going on. Just when I thought the situation was over, that's when I noticed that my life actually began to fall apart. The foundation that I had began to fall apart.

I started to see family members protect my father, telling me, “It must have been something that you said,” or “This is not your father. This is not him.” Making every excuse in the book. I have family members call and tell me, “I love you, but I'm supporting your father.”

I never have felt so alone in my lifetime. Never have felt so alone. It was that period of time where I didn't even know God was holding me together because it just got worse and worse and worse.

Not only did I experience betrayal by experiencing a near death from father, but I also had to experience betrayal and complicity from my other parent — my mother. That was one of the most heartbreaking things for me, period.

I just remember getting a text that he was getting bailed out. I heard talks, but I didn't know of anything actually concretely going on. I just remember, “You knew, and you didn't tell me.” It was like, “You said you didn't want to be involved.” I said, “I didn't want to be actively involved in bailing him out. I didn't say that I didn't want to stay updated on a threat to my safety.”

No matter how much I pleaded, no matter how much I expressed my emotions, my feelings, I couldn't get my family to see what I was experiencing.

I just remember moving, trying to get my stuff out. I remember just on a whim getting a hotel with Affirm and just trying to figure out what's next for my life. Just feeling uprooted because it's like I have nobody. I had nothing. Everything that I had built my life serving, honoring, protecting had literally just turned against me all in a matter of this one incident.

I knew I had to make something happen. I ended up finding the means, taking out a loan to move out because I was like, “I have to move out ASAP.” My father was just living down the street. Protective order in place, but I didn't truly feel like anyone had my best interest in mind at this point.

I ended up successfully getting my apartment, which I am so grateful to God for. That was the beginning of my wilderness period.

My health started to crumble. I started experiencing extreme repetitive strain injury in my arms. I remember my GERD was worse — my body, everything. I had doctor's appointments on doctor's appointments. I had bills on top of bills. My finances, along with everything else, just crumbled.

In that period of time, I remember just trying to — I hoped the legal system would make it right. I still had life, but every system in my life was just failing me, failing me, failing me. The legal system didn't properly honor my voice.

When I came to terms with the fact that no matter what I said to anybody, nobody was going to see that I deserve — I deserve to be tended to too. My life matters, my emotions matter too. Once I finally comprehended that the people closest to me that I expected to come around for me were not going to, that's when I encountered God in the most profound way.

I still remember that night just coming to the conclusion that my family was not going to get it. I've been sitting here waiting for an apology. As of today, I still haven't gotten it, but I might not get it. I remember just bawling my eyes out.

I remember God just showing up in the room. I was crying my soul out, but it just stopped. I remember the room being filled with light. I just remember being reminded and comforted that I was not alone.

That was one of my darkest moments, because I thought people would come around after everything that I had done. I thought people would come around, and God showed up to tell me that when everything else fails, I will still be here. And he was.

The emotional weight of that period of time — when I knew God was actively involved in my life and showed me very clearly that He sees me. Because I didn't know who I was at that point. I didn't know who I was outside of my family. But God showed me that who I am is not tied to their approval. My identity is not based on dysfunction.

During that period there — these past few months — God was uncovering the roots, showing me things about where my coping mechanisms, my behaviors, the things that I used to tear myself down came from, and told me that “You don't need to take these with you anymore. You don't need to take the perfectionism with you anymore, because I will accept you just as you are.”

I tried to be perfect for God. I literally tried to figure out the perfect way to carry out my walk, and it was like, “No, just be yourself.”

He began to show me about the truth about what I was experiencing in the system that I was living under, and show me that it all happens for a reason. It all happened for a reason. That was something that I would never take for granted because I actually started to transform into a new person.

I started to let things go. I started to surrender things. I started to heed God's voice.

Earlier when I was talking about my self-pleasure addiction — God showed me it was tied to the hurt, tied to the trauma. I was so ashamed of myself. I was so disgusted. I was like, “I can't stop, I can't stop.” I was literally bound to this. I had no control sometimes. It took me turning to God — really turning to him — for him to free me from those things.

Even with my previous identity as bisexual — that journey has its own stories. I was looking for validation in places that never would have given it to me. My journey looking for validation led me to become hurt more. Where I was looking to feel affirmed, looking to feel validated, but I was used. I was only ever a body. I was taken advantage of.

During this journey, I experienced hurt in a way multiple times, and I still don't know how life did not break me. Because logically, all of my battles, all of my struggles, the shame, even the suicide — I haven't even stopped to talk about the depth of how much I wanted to take myself out.

This goes even beyond this year. In my lifespan, I have at least wanted to take myself out, very intently, at least 5 to 6 times, if not more. And I think that's underestimating it. But I didn't see my worth. I saw the things, I saw the bondage, and I accepted that as my identity. I assumed that I had no worth, that I was not enough, that I was disgusting, I was an abomination. I was not enough. Period.

But God dismantled every single one of those lies and showed me very clearly who I am.

I remember, even during this period where I felt like giving up on hope, God gave me a beautiful song that I shared a preview of — “Undone” — where I say:

“I don't know
how to hold
on to hope
I'm coming undone, coming undone.

My soul
bleeds gold,
it shows
I'm coming undone, coming undone.”

There were so many nights where it didn't seem like anything was getting better. Where despite having let go of everything, despite having surrendered everything, it didn't feel like more was coming. I tried to convince myself that I was better off — better off just staying where I was. I was better off being used. I was better off. And God, He shut that down.

But He also sent me that song to remind me that you are enough. I listen to this song almost every night. Every night when I felt like giving up, I listened to that song. I put it in my ears because I could hear the me that is still holding on through all of this. I could still hear the me that has made it out of that day. Who has made it through family betrayal, who has made it through a major addiction, who has made it through rape, who has made it through just constant rejection. And I saw him still holding on.

Slowly, slowly, slowly but surely, I started to reorient my sight on God again. Because even in the wilderness period, Egypt sometimes looks good. It looks good because we don't know what freedom looks like. But God just told me to keep pushing.

I ended up joining Blueprint Church, and I'm so grateful to be under the leadership of PM/Pastor Matthew Davis. I just would walk in every service feeling like God was speaking to me. I walked in feeling like the sermon was just for me every time.

I remember one time it led me to say, “Get baptized.” So I decided, “You know what? After everything that I've been through, the Jeremiah that grew up, he was baptized. But he doesn't know what he knows now.” And so I did.

I haven't even shared the extent that was a victorious moment for me. But just even two days before that, I still remember like, “I don't deserve this baptism.” I remember vaguely, I was at my friend's apartment. We were having a gathering at the pool and my brain — I remember just clocking out because my brain said, “Tonight's the night.” I was in the mindset like, “Oh my gosh, okay, I need to do something. I need to pull something.”

It felt like my whole mind — I didn't see anything good. I just saw every reason why I wasn't enough. I saw every reason why I failed. Every good moment, every victory seemed like something that I failed in. Every bad thing seemed like something that I deserved.

In that moment, I just remember crying out to God: “God, I surrender whatever you want me to say, whatever you need me to say, whatever you need me to go, I'll do it. I just want to live. I can't do this anymore.”

My life started to shift before me in ways even before there. One of my favorite verses is from Isaiah, when God is making a way through the wilderness and he's doing something new — “Can't you see it?” I couldn't see it, but he put that verse on my heart. He was like, “Pay attention.”

That being said, this testimony is not my story. There's so much that I've been through, so much that I was delivered from. But it is God's story, and I want to remind everyone that God is truly faithful. God is truly good.

As a logical person as I am, I asked so many questions. I stress tested my own faith, but I came to the same conclusion that I did not save myself, because at any given chance, I would have taken myself out or I would have given up on myself. So to be able to sit here before you all and declare freedom is a moment that I never thought I would have.

I still remember being deep into shame, deep in my addictions, and feeling like I'd never be free. I never thought that I would have the clarity that I have now, the wisdom that I have now, the worth, the sense of worth that I have now. I'm still just like — I'm here for the ride.

God preserved me for a reason. This testimony — I know saying the truth is never an easy thing. But God reminded me, if I can share my testimony with someone who is experiencing the same things as me, who is wrestling in the dark, not knowing if they will ever be free, who is on their last breath, not knowing how to hold on, then the least that I could do is release my truth, my story, God's story, God's truth for them to hear that God is still in the business of deliverance. God is still doing miracles.

Because on the outward appearance, I carried everything well. Every time somebody would ask me how things are doing, I'm like, “I'm managing.” I lived in a life that was constantly attack after attack after attack after attack, and I had to just keep on pushing, and nobody would have ever known the extent of what I was dealing with.

Nobody would have ever known that I served in the church, but because of these desires that I wasn't sure what to do with, I already felt condemned to Hell. I was still serving God blindly. I'm like, “You know what? I feel like you hate me, but I'm just continue to serve anyway.” I was carrying the shame. Like, “I don't feel like I should be here. I shouldn't be going through life acting like this. But I'm gonna just continue doing it anyway.”

Holding on to what God says about you and holding on to God's truth — I don't know how I did it. But God, he pulls you through even when you don't have the strength to do it yourself.

It took me a while. I've been wrestling with this video for three weeks now. I did not want to put this video out because I was scared. I've never stated the truth and laid myself out this plainly.

But my identity is rooted in what God says about me, and God has freed me. He has declared freedom over my life. God has told me that I am not my sins. I am the son that he called to give this testimony to declare freedom so that He may set the captives free.

I just want you all to sit with my testimony for a bit, and to just truly reflect on God's glory and God's goodness, because it's still incomprehensible to me. Like I said, logically, I shouldn't be here today. I survived a day I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have survived all those suicide attempts. I shouldn't have survived being raped. I shouldn't have survived being rejected. I shouldn't have survived being betrayed. I shouldn't have survived any of these things.

Truthfully, I wasn't given the emotional tools to do so. And the fact that I could always keep up, keep going and stand up — He can do that for you too. He can deliver you too. The same God that I serve, that I have the utmost belief in, that is undeniably real and is undeniably working here in the lives of everyone, just wishes to truly let you know that He's there.

As I conclude my testimony, I just pray that whoever needs to hear hears this. I rebuke any opposition or rebuke anything that comes to distort my testimony, anything that comes to rise up against it. If God be for us, who can be against us?

I am Jeremiah Lewis, and I declare freedom over family systems of silence and control. I declare freedom over perfectionism and hypervigilance. I declare freedom over the spirit of lust. I declare freedom over same-sex attraction. I declare freedom over self-pleasure. I declare freedom over the voice that is telling me I'm not enough, and I declare freedom and liberation moving here on out.

This testimony serves as my spiritual declaration for all to notice, both in physical and spiritual, that Jeremiah Lewis is free.

This is my story and I am Jeremiah Lewis.

I am now someone who has nothing left to hide, no one left to fear. I am the Jeremiah that is surrendered to living in spirit and in truth. I am not the Jeremiah that is bound by fear, shame, silence. I am not the same Jeremiah that was almost murdered in that kitchen. I am the Jeremiah whose voice cannot be silenced. Who has seen the glory of God, and is here to invite others in that same freedom.

I am free, and I choose truth.